Bear Blog Most Recent Posts

it's going to be different

2026-07-05T03:10:05.987267+00:00

The weeks between the end of June and the beginning of July hold a disproportionate number of my friends' birthdays: J's first, then (other) J's a week later, then E's a few days after that. First J's birthday was last week. He held a little party at his favorite bar I missed because I don't do bars and had to be up early the next day. Since he knew all that he proposed the two of us go to Flushing together for a belated celebration.

Before going to Flushing J and I queued up for an hour under the beating sun to get a World Cup-themed blind box at HEYTEA for his girlfriend. He does stuff like this all the time for her: go somewhere, buy a drink or two, get some limited time promotional item (usually a cup or tote bag or trinket). I admire his resolve, especially because I know he doesn't really share the same thirst for them.

I can understand the desire for these shiny limited-time things; I've fallen for it myself and continue to do so, albeit with decreasing frequency as I learn more about myself and why I want these particular things. What's harder for me to wrap my head around is how someone can find lasting fulfillment in the thrill of the chase, which always leaves me feeling tired and hollow. It's exhausting to want, disappointing to acquire, and burdening (and frankly disgusting at times) to manage and see all the stuff I have that I don't need or use.

Today I read this post (thanks Mei!) discussing this cycle:

Though we may tell ourselves some story of how an object will beautifully improve our lives, it usually stays a fantasy. For example, I can remember many times when I felt that, once I just received some object, I would be more productive, healthier, or happier. I can't think of a single time it actually happened. In fact, I can't even remember what these objects were — only how I felt when I wanted them.

Since very few objects actually go on to improve our lives, this feeling of anticipation is the most we get. I am reminded of a sports fan in my life, who supports two teams. One always loses, while the other always wins. Neither is the ideal. When I asked, he said the best outcome would be for his team to win unexpectedly, every time — an impossible pattern. But what he wants is understandable: the tension, then triumph. So too we are with the activity of purchasing. Shopping often isn't about having an object or lacking it; the specific item hardly matters. What we seek is the suspense we get when we shop, then wait, for an item. Once it's in our hands, where is the excitement? And so we must buy again.

Today, online shopping and two-day delivery (for some places, one-day) has tightened this cycle. The anticipation lasts only as long as the time it takes for delivery, so we need to shop more frequently to keep it up. In university, several of my classmates made orders so often they no longer knew what was in the mail, just that multiple packages were on their way. They were in a constant state of anticipation. More than one of them described it like getting unexpected presents every few days — they never knew when or what would show up. I can't help but suspect that online shopping marketplaces offer free two-day shopping partially to reinforce this loop. We are not shopping mainly to acquire. We are shopping to shop. We are shopping to feel.

The strange thing is I'm usually aware when I do this myself, and I hate feeling like a victim of it. Alas, the awareness on its own doesn't break the spell. When I see it play out in someone else's life though, everything seems so clear. Yet I imagine to them their reasons are as scrutable as mine are to me.

* * *

It's been a long time — maybe two months? — since I went to Flushing. I missed it all this time. Going to Flushing is the closest thing I know that approximates traveling abroad without leaving New York. Less than an hour sitting on the 7 train leaves me in a land simultaneously foreign and comforting. In my absence, the part of my soul it comforts and stimulates has gone unwatered. In my free time I browse Maps for interesting dishes that catch my eye and keep a hitlist of dishes and restaurants I want to try, and every time I go I try to check off one or two on the list.

An aside — a few weeks ago I was on one of my long walks around my neighborhood when I passed by an African restaurant in my neighborhood I had wanted to try for a long time, shuttered and sign removed. Google confirmed that it had shut down for good. I was devastated. I had made half-plans to visit with E multiple times over the past few months and each one fell through. It's hard for me to balance my hungerlust (yes, I just made that up) with my desires (needs?) to eat healthy and live frugally. I want to try everything while I still can and leave as few stones unturned as possible. But I'm also afraid that desire will get me in trouble in a city like this with no shortage of delicious things.

Another aside, since I'm thinking about it — I've been running more as I train for a race with M, and jogging around the city has made it feel much, much smaller. In a typical workout, I can run places that would take me more than a half hour to reach by subway. On a long run I can run the entire length of some subway lines, or nearly the entire width or length of some boroughs as I know them. On foot the world is simultaneously small and large (so many details to see!).

* * *

Flushing has changed a good deal since I last went, even as I recognize that most of what I'm noticing now must have simply gone unnoticed to me before. One of the hole in the wall spots we frequented for tofu pudding has morphed from one man with an instant pot in the corner of a crowded plant shop to a sleek, trendy coffee shop with a barista and bakery on one side and (more expensive) tofu pudding on the other. J decried that it had gentrified; looking about at the uniformity and blandness of the remodel I had mixed feelings about it myself. Of course we want the places we love to succeed — that's why we frequent them and tell people about them. But what happens when that success means they're no longer what they used to be? (And aren't we responsible for that change?)

I suppose at the end of all that navel-gazing you want to see some photos of food. Well, here you go:

东北大冷面 (Northeastern Chinese cold noodles) from Niu B Chuan (a name my mom would not like if I said out loud!). This is a Chinese version of Korean naengmyeon. I prefer its thicker noodles (made of sweet potato starch, maybe?), their satisfying chew, and the sweet, cold broth. One of a few foods I crave regularly, especially in the summer.

Fish dumplings from Old Captain's Dumpling. There never seems to be anyone in here when I visit yet they seem to always be making dumplings. Just as delicious and fluffy as I remembered; I want to try their salmon wontons next.

Guyanese Metemgee, a root vegetable stew of coconut milk with cassava, plaintains, okra, and carrots. Much better than I expected; very comforting. This Guyanese stall at Queens Night Market is my favorite. Their food is incredible and their portions generous.

Uzbek plov. Tasty enough but nothing special.

Listening to Kenichiro Isoda to unwind before bed today.

The Ones That Don't Are Not Real Women

2026-07-05T02:44:00+00:00

You've often heard before people talk about being a man. They're not talking about sex or gender when they use this phrase, but rather, it's an obligation to society and to family that you have to fulfil to validate your masculinity. You have to take care of yourself without being a burden on others. In most cases you also have to pick up the slack of others and bring weaker people under your wing. You have to step up.

I actually think this is a perfectly valid social construct, not something we should seek to reduce. We should be under pressure to be the best that we can be for our families and our communities.

But I think the time has some for us to also think about women in this way.

I have a weird perspective because I used to have one set of stances and decided to change them. But I didn't lose the understanding of why people feel the opposite way. I just now think that a lot of my old worldviews were misguided. And a lot of times my current stances aren't ones that I would have opted into without being pushed.

Sexism is a good example of this. The stance that I wanted was egalitarian with women being raised to the same station as men and both groups operating in harmony.

It began like this...

I was a teenager in the early 2000s. I was completely in love with a girl back then and we were pretty close. I had a great deal of respect for her and every thing she had to say I considered to be highly intelligent and worth seriously considering. She was my first exposure to feminism. And keep in mind, this was during a time when it was not exactly mainstream to be a feminist. So I learned about the struggles of women from the feminist lens via her. Often times she would get quite frustrated with me for something I would say and having to teach me how problematic it was from her view. And because I listened to her and took her so seriously, it set me up to be a relatively feminist man as I grew older. I wasn't just nodding my head to her to make her happy. I genuinely had faith in her and everything she had to say, I empathized with. But I sometimes felt like she didn't properly appreciate how willing to be her student on this subject that I was. There was a part of her that was just angry at me for being a man and there was nothing I could do about it.

This was a long time ago. I'm not bitter about these experiences at all. I only describe this to illustrate the trajectory I went forward with in regard to feminism as I became a man and to transition into how I feel now (which I should clarify has nothing to do with this person who I still hold in very high esteem).

I no longer believe that the dream is possible. Whether we like it or not, life is a fight to be the one on top. And basically all the egalitarianism has accomplished is having a huge rift between the sexes and more children that are not in healthy families where their parents are partners.

You can't even really imagine someone that doesn't know what feminism is and learning about it from their girlfriend today. It permeates our culture now. And it's increasingly clear that egalitarianism isn't the goal. Even for people that really want that, they're forced to face the reality that it's not possible.

To the extent that women are going to fight for their own supremacy at the expense of men and families and children, which they are, then I think it's unfortunate that because of that the egalitarian dream has to be abandoned.

Women must be made to submit, to fulfull their obligations to family and society, or rather the ones that don't are not real women; they're enemies to crush beneath our boots.

Olaf Hat-July 2

2026-07-05T02:15:00+00:00

The Olaf Hat was designed by Sandra Manson for Jamieson & Smith

I was fortunate enough to get the chance to go on a school-lead, arts-focused trip to Scotland and the Shetland Islands towards the end of May this year. I picked up the pattern for this hat at the Jamieson & Smith store, which we visited after meeting the local wool graders and receiving some information about the history of the company, as well as how it has changed over the years. In one of the pattern books they had available, I found this pattern and decided that I wanted to use it to make a hat as a Birthday present for my dad. I was originally drawn to this pattern, as it reminded me of another hat that I had made for him a few years back; since he is a prolific wearer of hats, I also knew that he would get good use out of it.

Due to limited luggage space, I was unable to buy yarn for this project, instead deciding to order it after I had returned home; however, Jamieson & Smith does not ship yarn directly to the USA, and it instead had to be purchased through Woolly Thistle’s website.

As of writing this, I am currently working on the rib section of the hat, which has been quite tedious for me to do. While I love color work, I really hate all of the set-up and time it takes to get to the point where I am actually able to do so. I tend to take my knitting with me when I leave home, and even ended up doing some knitting while watching the Backrooms movie with a friend this past Monday. My friend’s aunt took us, and the movie was incredibly enjoyable and definitely not as scary as I had expected for it being rated R. I especially liked the fact that you could understand it without knowing much about the Backrooms to begin with, as I did not know much about it.

Kebebasan di Luar Jalan Raya

2026-07-05T02:08:00+00:00

Sejak kecil, bagiku sepeda selalu tentang kebebasan.

Rasanya duniaku jadi lebih luas ketika mulai bisa bersepeda. Aku bisa ke sekolah tanpa diantar dan bebas bermain bersama kawan.

Salah satu pesan ibu setiap kali aku bersepeda adalah:

"Jangan lewat jalan raya."

Karena itu, aku selalu mencari jalan lain. Menyusuri jalanan kampung, melewati gang-gang kecil, dan menjelajahi jalan yang belum pernah kulewati sebelumnya.

Tanpa sadar, aku belajar menemukan jalanku sendiri.

Aku masih ingat rasanya: mengayuh tanpa tahu ada apa di ujung jalan.

Ternyata, pengalaman-pengalaman kecil itulah yang membentuk diriku sekarang.

Sampai hari ini, aku masih menjelajahi tempat-tempat baru dengan sepeda. Menyusuri jalanan pedesaan, mendatangi sawah, bukit, dan sungai.

Sering kali, pengalaman terbaik justru kutemukan di luar jalan utama.

Terima kasih sebesar-besarnya kepada kedua orang tuaku, mereka yang memberiku sepeda pertama dan mengizinkanku mengayuh sendiri.

Aku masih ingat pesan sederhana itu: "Jangan lewat jalan raya."

Meski dulu aku menganggapnya sebagai batasan, sekarang aku sadar bahwa pesan itu justru mengajarkanku untuk menemukan jalanku sendiri.

Bagiku, Freedom Off The Road adalah perasaan yang sama yang kurasakan saat pertama kali mengayuh sepeda—perasaan ketika dunia terasa lebih luas setiap kali roda mulai berputar, dan saat menghadapi batasan, justru aku belajar menemukan jalan.

Diambil dari post asli di Instagram

Post #42: _enter_tree() and _ready()

2026-07-05T01:43:00+00:00

According to the Godot docs:

Intro

Two functions allow you to initialize and get nodes besides the class's constructor: _enter_tree() and _ready().

You are able to override both of these functions in order to define behavior as you best see fit.

_enter_tree()

_enter_tree() is called on a node when the node enters the scene tree.

_ready()

Called once in a node's lifetime, after enter_tree().

_ready() ensures that all children have entered the scene tree first, so you can safely call get_node() on them.

Check out the docs here!

Eventos Geek (e como eles mudaram)

2026-07-05T01:41:00+00:00

Hoje, como todos os anos, fui ao Anime Friends — um dos eventos geek de São Paulo que mais tem idade, talvez.

Eu lembro, há muitos e muitos anos, quando esse evento era só um projeto pequeno, feito em uma faculdade, quase sem estrutura, onde a galera se reunia de maneira até simples, para exibir alguns fanzines, fazer algumas salas temáticas e era isso. Os anos foram passando, o evento foi crescendo, se transformando, até se tornar um dos maiores da América Latina (sim, isso mesmo).

Ele já teve várias sedes diferentes — algumas maiores, outras menores. Em locais abertos, fechados (faculdades, centro de exposições que fecharam, etc). Hoje, em parceria com a Prefeitura de São Paulo, ele tem acesso ao Centro de Exposições do Anhembi. O que permite que muitas, muitas pessoas acessem o local, que se tornou gigantesco.

Ao mesmo tempo, eu sinto que, a cada ano que passa, é menos sobre a coisa do geek e da galera se reunir e mais sobre como e quanto você pode gastar (e o quê você vai gastar).

Eu, como citei anteriormente, sou colecionadora de cacarecos. E, obviamente, comprei muitos cacarecos — tanto no Artist Alley, que venho apreciando durante anos, queridos amigos que conheço e gosto muito do trabalho, como artistas novos que aparecem a cada edição; como também em estandes (esse ano, em especial, na The Blind Box).

Sinto, porém, que se eu excluir totalmente essa parte consumista da equação, não há mais nada que me interesse no evento em si. Hoje mesmo, a minha ideia era encontrar com amigos que moram em outros lugares, alguns longe e os quais não tenho oportunidade de ver com frequência.

Nosso tempo juntos não passou de 5 minutos.

O evento estava abarrotado, muito abafado (aparentemente, não ligaram o ar-condicionado, fato que aconteceu também na quinta-feira, dia grátis), sons e barulhos muito altos, filas para todos os estandes, filas no Artist Alley, filas nos banheiros e na praça de alimentação. Simplesmente insustentável.

E, claro, como autista, foi uma experiência catastrófica.

Um fato curioso é: quando eu era mais nova, era um pouco mais simples aguentar essas coisas. Os anos, porém, tem me mostrado que eu vou ficando mais e mais intolerante a certas coisas que já não me eram confortáveis (como é bem descrito por muitos de diagnóstico tardio, onde "tolerar" essas coisas nos desenvolveu outros tantos transtornos que viraram comorbidade).

Vale ressaltar que, agora, os grandes eventos de São Paulo contam com uma sala sensorial, um local isolado, com menos som, menos luz e apetrechos sensoriais que ajudam na auto-regulação. Contudo, mesmo essa sala estava abafada e não era totalmente a prova de som (vale lembrar, é uma sala improvisada nos eventos). Ainda assim, foi o que me ajudou muito após alguém passar gritando ao meu lado sem o menor motivo (e o que me fez cogitar ir embora no mesmo instante).

Apesar de todos os empecilhos — tanto na quinta, quanto hoje — foi gostoso rever algumas pessoas que gosto muito e que me são muito queridas. Porém, não sei como me sentir para o ano que vem. Estou cogitando visitar no dia que for menos movimentado; ou, ainda, não ir e marcar com os amigos em algum dia pós-evento.

Amo os cacarecos que compro, amo rever meus amigos, mas o descuido desse evento em específico — e a forma como os eventos tem se organizado — realmente me fazem cogitar não mais participar.

E, definitivo: para o próximo evento desse ano, estarei adquirindo um abafador. Atualmente, eu utilizo um intra-auricular, mas ele acaba me incomodando e não isola o que eu gostaria do som (bônus que hoje eu não sabia onde ele estava. Fui acreditando que não seria tão aterrorizante. Foi).

Ao menos, pós-evento, poderei descansar no silêncio, relaxar com alguma musiquinha, provavelmente jogar algum joguinho por horas sem me preocupar (que será, certamente, Banjo-Tooie, na saga que estou para finalmente zerar esse jogo. Contarei mais em breve).

Algumas novidades do blog

Como encerramento e fazendo uma tangente, quero comunicar que fiz o upgrade do Bear e agora temos também comentários disponíveis! Yiipiee! Além disso, o Guestbook também está disponível, caso prefiram deixar um recado mais genérico sobre o blog. Também atualizei a página de Início e Sobre mim, além dos links. Enfim, tudo funcionando direitinho agora!

O próximo passo será arrumar a página de now (que chamarei de agora). Mas essa deixarei para outro momento, pois fiquei umas horas tentando arrumar os comentários (e, obviamente, não consegui fazer o que queria. Paciência).

Lembrando, esses comentários são um experimento: tanto com o site, quanto a receptividade em si. Pode ser que eu mude a hospedagem deles ou os remova, mas isso será para avaliação futura.

🎀🐇🎀

Você pode assinar o Guestbook ou deixar um comentário abaixo:

Comment Box is loading comments...

Ants, Cats, and Cantor’s Diagonal

2026-07-05T01:01:00+00:00

Introduction

When I was a computer science student, I read the first edition of the book "Parsing Techniques - A Practical Guide" by Dick Grune [1] et al. In the ~30 years since, it may be the book I’ve been reminded of most often.

The primary reason for this is that the book goes off on tangents that are sometimes only vaguely related to the book's topic, or even to the immediate context. If you're interested in a subject, details add texture, making it easier to remember. If you just want to get the information you're looking for, these detours can be annoying. "Get to the point already!"

If you've read any of my other blog posts, you may have noticed I tend to go off on interesting (your mileage may vary) tangents as well. I'm not sure whether I inadvertently adopted the writing style or if the book simply matched my preferences and I like it because of that.

Warning: in this blog post, I'm only going off on tangents.

Telescoping

This blog post was triggered by something that happened to me earlier that reminded me of the following quote from the bottom of page 16:

But no, words cannot be broken down any further. The computer scientist is not worried by this. With his love of telescoping solutions and multi-level techniques, he blithely claims that if words turn out to have structure after all, they are sentences in a different language, of which the letters are the tokens.

One of our cats had started sleeping outside, so I left her a bowl of soft food. When I went to collect the empty bowl in the morning, it was crawling with ants. I squatted down and watched their frantic, seemingly random activity for a while. Then, taking a cue from Jain ascetics, I gently blew them off the bowl so I could clean it with hot water and fill it with fresh food.

As I went back inside, I noticed our cats still hadn't fully mastered the magnetic mosquito curtain in the doorframe. They press their snouts against it, recoil as they are startled when the magnets release, and have to try again.

Watching cats failing to learn a simple mechanism and ants scurrying about made me wonder: if there was a being with an intelligence level far above our own (a far more evolved alien, or perhaps even an omniscient deity), what weirdness would it see in our behavior that we, as a species, are completely oblivious to? I'm not referring to the countless flaws many of us already recognize in ourselves and our societies. I mean true blind spots: things that would be obvious to a more advanced intelligence but are inconceivable to us.

I wonder if those beings look down on us with the same amusement at our total lack of sophistication as we do on ants and cats.

No one would have believed
in the last years of the 19th century
that human affairs were being watched
from the timeless worlds of space.
No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized
as someone with a microscope studies creatures
that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.
- Richard Burton reciting H.G. Wells in Jeff Wayne’s Musical War of the Worlds.

Knowability

This is the very first sentence of the preface of the Parsing Techniques book:

Parsing (syntactic analysis) is one of the best understood branches of computer science.

Obviously, I already knew that we know more about some subjects than others, but the way this was phrased ("one of the best understood branches") indicates that you might be able to order or at least categorize bodies of knowledge by how well humanity understands them. This suggests we don’t just know things about a subject; we also have a good sense of how large our blind spot must be. This fascinated me because I've never been particularly good at mathematics, and I truly have no idea how much I don't know about it, or how I'd approach the task of estimating how much I don't know about it.

To get my fascination across, I'd like you to take a look at this image of the "Mathematics Trench." If you're anything like me, you might recognize a few items near the top, and feel surprised and humbled by how much lies beyond your horizon of mathematical knowledge.

Then consider: the depth of this trench may merely be the horizon of today's greatest human math geniuses. But the things we (to quote from the image) "require Advanced AI" for, may be the homework assignment of a first grader of an alien civilization...

As a side note, the name "Hairy Ball Theorem" made me chuckle.

Cantor's Diagonalverfahren

We can lie in the grass on a clear night, look at the stars, and know that the universe may go on indefinitely in every direction, but at the same time this is still impossible to comprehend.

Section 2.1.3.4 in the Parsing Techniques book discusses the diagonalization process, or, in German, Diagonalverfahren (verfahren = process, or procedure), by Georg Cantor. I was immediately intrigued and spent the next few days reading about infinity, the fact that infinities exists in different sizes, countability, and related concepts.

This section contains some mathematics. If that isn't your thing, feel free to skip to the paragraph after the zipper image -- you won't miss the main point.
Take the set of natural numbers, ℕ: { 0,1,2,3,... } and the set of real numbers, ℝ, which contains basically any number you can think of (except complex numbers). You can count the natural numbers; you'd never finish, but given enough time every natural number would eventually appear in the sequence.
Now imagine the set of all real numbers between 0 and 1. Since that set is bounded at both ends, you might expect it to be smaller than (unbounded) ℕ. It is not! Let's say someone said they put all those numbers (that is, the real numbers between 0 and 1) in a complete list; something like this:
1: 0.123456...
2: 0.420690...
3: 0.314159...
4: 0.390005...
etc. Of course, normally you'd go about this more methodically! [2]
Georg Cantor's Diagonalverfahren is the process of creating a number that is guaranteed to not be on that list -- even though, as I wrote, the list is supposed to be complete. It goes like this:
- Take the first decimal of the first number and add 1; wrap 9 to 0
- Take the second decimal of the second number and add 1
- Take the n^th decimal of the n^th number and add 1
(Note that we went over the list in a diagonal, hence: Diagonalverfahren!)
Continue forever. The resulting number differs from the first listed number in the first digit, from the second listed number in the second digit, and so on. Therefore, it cannot be equal to any number on the list. No matter how you try to list the real numbers, you'll always miss some. This is what it means for the real numbers to be uncountably infinite.
The countability of a set means that the members of that set can be made to correspond to the members of ℕ. For example, the set of whole numbers, ℤ: { ...,-2,-1,0,1,2,... } can be transformed uniquely into the numbers from ℕ. This often surprises people, because ℤ seems to contain "twice as many" numbers. Yet it's easy to explain: for each value x of ℤ,
- if x < 0, multiply it by -2 and subtract 1.
- if x > 0, multiply it by 2
If you imagine it, it's as if you're merging both sides (viewed from 0) of the number line like the teeth of an (infinitely long) zipper.On the left zipper tape, negative values of ℤ are transformed to the odd values of ℕ; on the right zipper tape, positive values of ℤ are transformed to the even values of ℕ. Zero stays in place. After the merge, the result is simply ℕ again. Infinity is so cool!

Most of what I know about infinity comes from the time I spent studying the subject 30 years ago, started by the Parsing Techniques book. I sometimes use that knowledge as a tool to make sense of things I would otherwise not understand; probably sometimes in a way or context that a proper mathematician would frown upon (see: Law of the Instrument), but I don't remember ever having to backtrack.

On this blog I used a few simple references to eternity/infinity. See: "Even that amount of time is still only a negligible fraction of eternity", and "I think I'm crazy".

Conclusion

I'm intrigued by how much we don’t know, and yet how confidently we move within the boundaries of what we can know. Like ants around a bowl, or cats at a curtain, we navigate a world that likely contains structures we cannot even perceive. Somewhere, possibly forever out of our reach, there may be ideas many orders of magnitude more transformative to humanity than Cantor’s ideas were to me.

Quietly existing, waiting to be noticed by a mind able to see them.

[1] Dick Grune also named Gnome Sort and developed the Concurrent Versioning System (CVS).

[2] You might start like this:
1: 0.10000000...
2: 0.11000000...
3: 0.11100000...
When you extrapolate from this, you may realize that, this way, you'll never get to 0.20000000... This might give you another feel for the sizes of different infinities!

guestbook

2026-07-05T00:59:00+00:00

Guestbook

Thanks for signing my guestbook! I can't wait to read your thoughts. Want to contact me privately? Feel free to email me instead.

Messages

holiday

2026-07-05T00:01:00+00:00

Yesterday :: All the days, 28th June-4th July 2026

A Semiquincentennial Poem

2026-07-04T23:57:45.566332+00:00

Glorious.

A nation of stars.

Not just actors, athletes, or professional rock stars.

But 50 groups of Americans Diffused from those first 13 bars.

Many greats have led for us, party notwithstanding.

John, James, Abe, Harry, others.

From Pennsylvania avenue commanding.

But Greatest are those who bled for us, defending Liberty on domestic and foreign shore.

Today we celebrate 250 years American greatness, And here's to 250 more.

Sleep Paralysis 3

2026-07-04T23:35:00+00:00

Three days ago I woke up at 8 AM and decided that I wanted to sleep one more hour, but I would do it on the livingroom sofa to catch the breeze that hits there in the morning. I wouldn't bother anyone because there was no one else home but my dog anyway.
When I was half asleep I started to feel someone touching my hair. I wasn't fully processing it, it was like I was feeling it but didn't think much of it. Then it became more obvious, and I heard the sound of a hand moving. Like the friction when someone moves their fingers one against the other. It sounded so close and so real I suddenly realised there was something wrong.
I tried to open my eyes as much as I could. I tried to move my head so I could see who was there. But I couldn't move and my eyes were barely open. I could feel two hands holding my head by its sides and I could almost see something at the edge of my field of vision.
Then it stopped. I recovered control of my body and turned fast, but there was no one there.
It was so real if it wasn't because I couldn't hear any footsteps running away, I might have thought there was someone else at my house. I was so grateful it was daytime.

how to just exist.

2026-07-04T23:20:00+00:00

many of you have read through the many different seasons of my life. you read when i was heartbroken, when i navigated identity change, when political injustices were simply too much to just sit back and do nothing, but in the current season of my life i am just,,,existing. i work, come home, and watch love island. not in a depressing, bed rotting way, but in a relaxing state. i don't want to be a gym girly that grinds with 3-4 side hustles, while going to school at the same time. i want to just enjoy my summer nights.

Air Con in a Warming Climate

2026-07-04T23:05:29.587833+00:00

I saw a comment on a post somewhere a few days ago, I'm afraid I have no specific recollection of exactly where, but it was a post (video?) around the topic of Americans having rooftop solar, the strange reticence around it, and the benefit it could have both on the personal and the global level. A commenter said something to the effect of "I have solar and I've been blasting air con all summer and my electricity bill has been like $8 a month".

On its own this is probably just standard hyperbole, but it's been bouncing around in my brain like a maths puzzle, the more I think about it the more I come draw towards a conclusion - solar powered air conditioning is just... completely free right? Environmentally, I mean.¹

This does involve disregarding two major factors:

The production impact (chemicals, installation energy, material extraction) as pretty much every manufactured object has that as a fixed cost massively amortised over a long service life
The displaced energy usage of other appliances (lets just assume for a second that the solar is not supplementary but completely meets the house's needs)

Every joule of energy that is taken in by a rooftop solar panel is a joule that would have otherwise been spent as heat either absorbed by the roof (then passed into the house or back into the atmosphere) or dispersed back into the air to be absorbed elsewhere in the environment, still as heat. That's the whole idea - even if the translation of sunlight into electricity is inefficient with 80% of it going to heat, that's where the sunlight was going anyway!

The relationship between this conversion and most appliances is kind of abstract though - "my roof got less warm and now I can watch a movie on the TV" and such. The most obvious "natural" application for rooftop solar energy is for electric heating - you're essentially moving that heat energy away from the roof and into the living space where it is more useful - even if you lose 80% of the energy in the solar panel, that other 20% is in where you want it. ²

The big revelation I've been having over the last few days is that using that same energy for air conditioning is almost alchemical in its redirection of energy. You are taking what would otherwise be waste heat energy warming your living space or the outer environment, and turning into energy cooling your living space and venting the heat into the outer environment - in the non-immediate-term, the environment is entirely unaffected by that transaction, the heat would have got there eventually no matter what. ³

What makes this interaction so cool to me is that as your demand for air-con rises, so typically does the capacity for your solar panels to fuel it - more heat typically means more sunlight. For heating this relationship is inverted, and you'll probably have to rely on energy storage for off-peak grid energy to supplement your solar to get "good value" electric heating compared to gas, but I haven't looked into the numbers on that. At least having the solar panels presupposes the presence of some batteries?

Anyway I think this way of combining a famously attainable environmentally-friendly technology with a notoriously environmentally-unfriendly one to synthesise a completely neutral whole is kind of beautiful. A real triumph of modern engineering.

I really fucking hope I've not misunderstood something fundamental here.

✉️ Reply via email

Comments

If you're American or from another country that deals with air-con regularly, this may already have been obvious to you, but in Scotland we're far more concerned with heating than we are with cooling, but for the few weeks of the year where we melt it's nice to have options. We're in the process of moving much more to air-source heat pumps to handle that in recent years, and mechanically they can do both heating and cooling if they're set up correctly, so this is a pretty important thing to understand if you want it done right.↩
Worth noting here that electric heating is a 100% efficient process, as the waste product of inefficient electricity usage is... heat. If you're using a heat pump, that efficiency is even greater - they don't just heat the air by "applying joules of heat", they use a mechanical process (the same one a fridge uses) to pull heat out of one place and put it elsewhere, so the actual "heating efficiency" is greater than 100%. You might spend 1000KJ of energy to raise the heat energy in a space by 3000KJ (numbers out of thin air, but 300% is not an unreasonable number).↩
Cooling with a heat pump works the same as cooling, just in the other direction. Honestly, heat pumps are so sick.↩

Discovering Home Assistant isn't for me

2026-07-04T23:04:00+00:00

Home Assistant is considered the gold standard in smart home management. It seems like anyone with some technical ability uses it and recommends it. You can get all your devices into a single dashboard! No worrying about interoperability! It supports all the standards. My coworker told me about his setup to remind him if he hadn't taken out the trash using a weight sensor. Cool!

I previously used Apple Home as my hub. It worked except for our Nest thermostats, Ring doorbell (both came with the house), and our Shark robot vacuum (which I hate). For my needs, I really only wanted a single dashboard that could show me all our disparate devices. It would be nice, but not required, to have finer control over my devices. Something like sending a reminder at a time AND location is supported by HA and would be useful.

So I went about installing Home Assistant on my Unraid server. I knew I didn't need all the customization HA supports but I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The following are my thoughts on the process...

There's a Docker image. Let's use that... oh it doesn't support all the features. I don't know which features I need.
Might as well use the full operating system to reduce issues down the line. It's the recommended way to install. I have to figure out how to run it in a VM. I really don't want to keep track of another way to manage things on my server. I use Docker for everything else.
At least it's easy to get running. There are plenty of tutorials to set up a HAOS VM on Unraid.
HAOS is up and running! I can access it from the browser. Let's add some devices.
It already found some devices. Nice. Adding my Apple TVs and Hue lights was easy. I love all the icon options. Apple Home is very limited.
Google Nest plugin requires a lot of set up but the step-by-step walkthrough is very helpful. Oh yay, I already paid the $5 for a Google developer account.
The Ring plugin is easy to install and works with the cameras. That's nice. Except it doesn't support lights. Boo.
Shark plugin doesn't work. Seems like there's some ongoing development. Maybe someday. I was really hoping the Shark would work because the schedules allowed in the Shark app are very limited. I can't tell it to clean different rooms on different days.
Where do I go to see all my devices? Ok I have to go to Settings > Devices & services > Devices. That seems like a lot of steps.
Let's add an automation to turn on lights when I press this Aqara button. Which trigger do I use? The "Device Trigger" isn't working... That's because it's an "Identify" action (whatever that means) not a button press. What about "Manual event received Trigger"? Nope. Oh I need a "State Trigger". Now it's working. What a pain. There are a lot of options which is nice if I ever want that level of control.
Time for the HA app. I like the information density and customization. It also seems more responsive. My wife will never use this especially since I'll have to install Tailscale too. She doesn't use the Apple Home app either so nothing lost there.

Where does this leave me? I still can't use a single dashboard since the Ring lights and the Shark vacuum aren't supported. I can do a few more custom automations that Apple Home doesn't support. I have a separate VM to maintain.

I used Home Assistant exclusively for about a week. It worked but it didn't add enough to be worth the effort for me. I switched back to Apple Home with Homebridge. It adds Apple Home support for the Nests and Rings. I still have to use the Shark app. I still have to use the Ring app for our Ring outdoor lights. For now, that's good enough.

a ten-year snooty-versary

2026-07-04T22:53:00+00:00

Ten years ago today, I celebrated an “independence day” of my own. I was a few weeks into my manatee care internship in Bradenton, FL, working with Snooty the manatee and his rescued temporary tank-mates. That evening, I walked to a waterfront restaurant and dined out alone for the first time; figured out the tip and everything. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but for me, it was.

After dark, I could see fireworks from the balcony of the apartment where I was couch surfing. (I didn’t enjoy couch-surfing, but affordable temporary lodging was nearly impossible to find despite fundraising and saving up most of my work-study money. Even getting a safe couch to crash on took a lot of luck and an exhausting amount of effort.)

Unfortunately, my phone broke that night too. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my roommate that I’d probably fried it playing Pokémon Go; she found Pokémon “disturbing”.

There were a lot of other firsts during the Summer of Snooty.

First unaccompanied airplane flight. First time seeing a real manatee. First time hand-feeding a real manatee… legally, I promise! Snooty was born in an aquarium and therefore non-releasable, so it was okay. First time petting a real manatee; a dream come true! Also 100% legal because it was Snooty. Does developing heat intolerance count as a first? That was one of the not-good parts.

Manatees. Wonderful, wonderful manatees. <3

Maybe I’ll be able to write more eloquently about the Summer of Snooty eventually. For now, I shall return to hiding from humidity and having complicated feelings about this year’s Independence Day.

'Grosso' French Lavender, Bees N Blooms, Santa Rosa, CA

2026-07-04T22:19:09.674213+00:00

The U-Cut lavender field at Bees N Blooms.

don't buy it

2026-07-04T21:50:06.994975+00:00

Lately, I've turned my mind towards photography.

Since college, I always liked photography, but I always had that fear of taking photo's in public (something I'm sure most people go through), but that led me to buying a DSLR (I think it was a Nikon D5000 and wasn't cheap as camera's go, even back then).

I ended up taking a handful of photos and it's now hidden away somewhere and when I last looked, I don't even think it works¹.

Since then, I put it to the back of my mind, it's come back up now that I've started looking to go on a few more holidays (we're going to Rome next week and Vienna at the end of November).

I started looking at cameras and whether I could buy a new one and while I would be much smarter this time round in terms of cost, I keep holding back because I already have a camera readily available in my phone.

I need to keep this in mind because I'm not after creating professional looking photos. I want to see if I enjoy the practice of photography before I start buying. My iPhone hasn't got a terrible camera on it and it will be more than capable for what I need.

This is when I must remind myself to come back to intention.

I might want to buy a new camera and get all excited, but I don't need it when I don't even know if I'm going to want to continue with photography.

In short, don't buy it Matt.

Wait and build a habit of taking photos with your phone and then build from that².

Enjoy this?

You can get the feed or you can email me directly.

And I ask forgiveness from all the photographers sharpening their pitchforks.↩
Which means I'll have bought a new camera by the end of tomorrow...↩

Bear Blog Theme: Vermilion

2026-07-04T21:47:00+00:00

最近给博客换了一套适配 Bear Blog 的自制主题，取名 Vermilion（朱砂）。

正文用衬线字体窄栏排版，行距放宽，适合中英文混排阅读，背景模拟了泛黄旧书的质感。

截图留念：

完整 CSS：

/* ============================================================  
   Vermilion — Bear Blog theme from https://anotherdayu.com/  
   Eggshell-gray paper / ink text / cinnabar seal accents / narrow airy column  
   Usage: paste into Dashboard → Themes → Edit theme CSS  
   ============================================================ */  

:root {  
  --paper: #f4f3ef;        /* Sketch paper: cool-toned eggshell gray */  
  --ink: #2d2b28;          /* Ink: warm gray-black, not pure black */  
  --ink-soft: #6e6a63;     /* Secondary text: dates, footer */  
  --cinnabar: #a6392e;     /* Cinnabar: seal red */  
  --hairline: #dcd8d0;     /* Thin divider lines */  
  --code-bg: #eceae4;      /* Code blocks: half a shade darker than the paper */  
  /* Paper grain: SVG noise, faint dark speckle in light mode */  
  --grain: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='160' height='160'%3E%3Cfilter id='g'%3E%3CfeTurbulence type='fractalNoise' baseFrequency='0.85' numOctaves='2' stitchTiles='stitch'/%3E%3CfeColorMatrix type='matrix' values='0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0.05 0'/%3E%3C/filter%3E%3Crect width='160' height='160' filter='url(%23g)'/%3E%3C/svg%3E");  
}  

@media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) {  
  :root {  
    --paper: #242220;      /* Night paper: warm gray-black */  
    --ink: #d8d4cb;  
    --ink-soft: #8f8a80;  
    --cinnabar: #cf6a58;   /* Cinnabar brightened one step */  
    --hairline: #3b3833;  
    --code-bg: #2e2b28;  
    /* Switch to faint light speckle so grain stays visible on a dark base */  
    --grain: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='160' height='160'%3E%3Cfilter id='g'%3E%3CfeTurbulence type='fractalNoise' baseFrequency='0.85' numOctaves='2' stitchTiles='stitch'/%3E%3CfeColorMatrix type='matrix' values='0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0.04 0'/%3E%3C/filter%3E%3Crect width='160' height='160' filter='url(%23g)'/%3E%3C/svg%3E");  
  }  
}  

/* ---------- Base typography: narrow, airy column ---------- */  

body {  
  background-color: var(--paper);  
  background-image: var(--grain);   /* Overlay the paper grain texture */  
  color: var(--ink);  
  font-family: Georgia, "Iowan Old Style", "Noto Serif SC",  
    "Source Han Serif SC", "Songti SC", SimSun, serif;  
  font-size: 1.05rem;  
  line-height: 1.9;  
  max-width: 650px;  
  margin: 0 auto;  
  padding: 2.5rem 1.5rem;  
  -webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;  
  overflow-wrap: break-word;        /* Long URLs / words won't break the narrow layout */  
  -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;   /* Prevent font inflation on mobile landscape */  
}  

p {  
  margin: 1.4em 0;  
}  

/* ---------- Blog title: a cinnabar seal as the signature ---------- */  

.title h1 {  
  font-size: 1.5rem;  
  font-weight: 600;  
  letter-spacing: 0.04em;  
  color: var(--ink);  
  display: inline-block;  
}  

/* Signature element: small cinnabar seal square after the title */  
.title h1::after {  
  content: "";  
  display: inline-block;  
  width: 0.55em;  
  height: 0.55em;  
  margin-left: 0.45em;  
  background: var(--cinnabar);  
  border-radius: 1px;  
  vertical-align: baseline;  
}  

.title h1 a,  
.title h1 a:visited {  
  color: inherit;  
  text-decoration: none;  
}  

/* ---------- Nav: small quiet text, no divider ---------- */  

nav {  
  font-size: 0.9rem;  
  letter-spacing: 0.05em;  
  margin-bottom: 2.5rem;  
}  

nav a {  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  text-decoration: none;  
  margin-right: 1.2em;  
}  

nav a:hover {  
  color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Heading hierarchy: distinguished by size and weight ---------- */  

h1, h2, h3, h4 {  
  line-height: 1.5;  
  letter-spacing: 0.02em;  
  margin-top: 2.2em;  
  margin-bottom: 0.6em;  
}  

h1 {  
  font-size: 1.6rem;  
  font-weight: 700;  
}  

h2 {  
  font-size: 1.3rem;  
  font-weight: 600;  
}  

h3 {  
  font-size: 1.05rem;  
  font-weight: 600;  
}  

/* ---------- Links: thin cinnabar underline ---------- */  

a {  
  color: var(--ink);  
  text-decoration: underline;  
  text-decoration-color: var(--cinnabar);  
  text-decoration-thickness: 1px;  
  text-underline-offset: 3px;  
}  

a:hover {  
  color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Post list: alignment as separation — two columns and whitespace, no divider lines ---------- */  

.blog-posts {  
  list-style: none;  
  padding: 0;  
}  

.blog-posts li {  
  display: flex;  
  align-items: baseline;  
  gap: 1.2em;  
  padding: 0.3em 0;  
}  

/* Fixed-width dates form a tidy left column; titles align into the right column */  
.blog-posts li span {  
  flex-shrink: 0;  
  min-width: 6.5em;  
  font-size: 0.85rem;  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  font-variant-numeric: tabular-nums;  
}  

.blog-posts li a {  
  text-decoration: none;  
}  

.blog-posts li a:hover {  
  color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Tags: no underline, quiet gray text ---------- */  

.tags a {  
  text-decoration: none;  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  font-size: 0.85rem;  
}  

.tags a:hover {  
  color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Blockquote: cinnabar left rule ---------- */blockquote {  
  margin: 1.6em 0;  
  padding: 0.2em 0 0.2em 1.2em;  
  border-left: 2px solid var(--cinnabar);  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
}  

/* ---------- Horizontal rule ---------- */  

hr {  
  border: none;  
  border-top: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
  margin: 2.5em auto;  
  width: 60%;  
}  

/* ---------- Code ---------- */  

.highlight, .code, pre, code {  
  font-family: "SF Mono", Menlo, Consolas, "Sarasa Mono SC", monospace;  
  font-size: 0.88em;  
  background: var(--code-bg);  
  border-radius: 3px;  
}  

code {  
  padding: 0.15em 0.4em;  
}  

pre {  
  padding: 1em 1.2em;  
  overflow-x: auto;  
  line-height: 1.7;  
  border: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
}  

pre code {  
  padding: 0;  
  background: none;  
}  

/* ---------- Images and tables ---------- */  

img {  
  max-width: 100%;  
  border-radius: 2px;  
}  

table {  
  border-collapse: collapse;  
  width: 100%;  
  font-size: 0.95em;  
}  

th, td {  
  padding: 0.5em 0.8em;  
  border-bottom: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
  text-align: left;  
}  

th {  
  font-weight: 600;  
  border-bottom-width: 2px;  
}  

/* ---------- Sub-headings (h2/h3): gray # prefix; h1 and blog title stay clean ---------- */  

.post h2::before,  
.page h2::before,  
.post h3::before,  
.page h3::before {  
  content: "# ";  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  opacity: 0.6;  
  font-weight: 400;  
}  

/* ---------- Post page: date under the title ---------- */  

.post time,  
time {  
  font-size: 0.85rem;  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  letter-spacing: 0.03em;  
}  

/* ---------- Inputs and buttons: search box, subscribe form ---------- */  

/* Covers the common #searchInput search plugin, native search/text inputs,  
   and the email field on the subscribe page */  
input[type="text"],  
input[type="search"],  
input[type="email"],  
#searchInput {  
  font-family: inherit;  
  font-size: 0.95rem;  
  color: var(--ink);  
  background: transparent;  
  border: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
  border-radius: 3px;  
  padding: 0.5em 0.9em;  
  width: 100%;  
  max-width: 100%;  
  box-sizing: border-box;  
  outline: none;  
  transition: border-color 0.15s ease;  
  -webkit-appearance: none;   /* Strip default iOS input chrome */  
}  

#searchInput {  
  margin-bottom: 1.5em;  
}  

input::placeholder {  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  opacity: 0.7;  
}  

/* Focus: the border wakes up in cinnabar, echoing the link underlines */  
input[type="text"]:focus,  
input[type="search"]:focus,  
input[type="email"]:focus,  
#searchInput:focus {  
  border-color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* Remove the default clear (x) button so the field stays quiet */  
input[type="search"]::-webkit-search-decoration,  
input[type="search"]::-webkit-search-cancel-button {  
  -webkit-appearance: none;  
}  

button:not(.upvote-button),  
input[type="submit"] {  
  font-family: inherit;  
  font-size: 0.9rem;  
  letter-spacing: 0.03em;  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
  background: transparent;  
  border: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
  border-radius: 3px;  
  padding: 0.45em 1.2em;  
  cursor: pointer;  
  transition: color 0.15s ease, border-color 0.15s ease;  
}  

button:not(.upvote-button):hover,  
input[type="submit"]:hover {  
  color: var(--cinnabar);  
  border-color: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Upvote button ---------- */  

/* Color only — the button's native structure and behavior are untouched.  
   Paw in the theme's cinnabar red (auto-adjusts in dark mode). */  
.upvote-button svg {  
  fill: var(--cinnabar);  
}  

/* ---------- Footer ---------- */  

footer {  
  margin-top: 3.5rem;  
  padding-top: 1.2rem;  
  border-top: 1px solid var(--hairline);  
  font-size: 0.85rem;  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
}  

footer a {  
  color: var(--ink-soft);  
}  

/* Hide the "Made with Bear" attribution (the last span in the footer).  
   Note: only allowed for paid Bear accounts or contributors —  
   free accounts hiding it will get their styles reset by the platform. */  
footer span:last-child {  
  display: none;  
}  

/* ---------- Mobile ---------- */  

@media (max-width: 600px) {  
  body {  
    padding: 1.4rem 1.1rem;  
    font-size: 1rem;  
    line-height: 1.85;  
  }  

  /* Scale the heading hierarchy down one step so narrow screens don't feel crowded */  
  .title h1 { font-size: 1.3rem; }  
  h1 { font-size: 1.35rem; }  
  h2 { font-size: 1.15rem; }  
  h3 { font-size: 1.05rem; }  

  h1, h2, h3 { margin-top: 1.8em; }  

  /* Enlarge nav tap targets for thumbs */  
  nav {  
    margin-bottom: 1.8rem;  
  }  

  nav a {  
    display: inline-block;  
    padding: 0.4em 0;  
    margin-right: 1.4em;  
  }  

  /* Post list: date wraps above the title, row spacing increases */  
  .blog-posts li {  
    flex-direction: column;  
    gap: 0.1em;  
    padding: 0.6em 0;  
  }  

  /* Tighter code-block padding, smoother horizontal scrolling */  
  pre {  
    padding: 0.8em 1em;  
    font-size: 0.85em;  
    -webkit-overflow-scrolling: touch;  
  }  

  /* Wide tables scroll horizontally instead of breaking the page */  
  table {  
    display: block;  
    overflow-x: auto;  
    white-space: nowrap;  
  }  

  hr { width: 100%; }  
}

Semoga selamat sampai tujuan

2026-07-04T21:46:32.808145+00:00

Sepotong kalimat itu yang mengurungkan niatku untuk mengakhiri yang belum kumulai. Dulu rencanaku sangat sederhana: berangkat mengambil almamater sebagai simbol bahwa kalau aku mau pasti aku bisa mendapatkannya, kemudian sembari pulang aku akan menyeberang jalan lintas provinsi, di tengah jalan sibuk itu rencananya aku akan berbaring. Tapi urung kulakukan karena jauh sebelum aku menyebrang jalan lintas provinsi itu, seorang pramugara bus mengucapkan sepotong kalimat sederhana itu. Dia ucapkan sembari tersenyum ramah khas para-pencari-uang kepada semua orang yang turun bus jalur 5B itu.

Entah hanya aku atau ada orang lain yang bereaksi serupa hari itu, ucapan khas para-pencari-uang-nya itu berhasil melekat nyaris sepuluh tahun kemudian.

Meskipun sejak saat itu aku masih belum menemukan tujuanku, setidaknya aku masih ada di jalan. Pernah aku mengira dan takut akan angan-angan bahwa tujuan adalah akhir dari segalanya. Nyatanya, tujuan-tujuan kecil yang selama ini sudah pernah kucapai adalah awal dari jalan-jalan lain. Mungkin sejak itu aku jadi tidak terlalu antusias mencari tujuanku; karena sepengalamanku tujuan tidak semata-mata untuk dituju saja. Juga pencapaian tidak perlu sebegitunya dipermasalahkan, karena sejak saat itu pula aku hanya bisa mencapai 153 cm.

Tidak lebih, bahkan cenderung lebih melebar. Tapi aku bahagia akan hal itu. Aku merasa cukup dengan itu.

Hari ini, adikku berangkat melangkahkan kakinya ke sebuah tujuan. Aku merasa bahngga bahwa dia punya setidaknya satu tujuan seperti itu. Meskipun hanya kakaknya, aku merasa sudah memberinya sedikit ilmu untuk ia kembangkan sendiri. Kemarin, aku menyelipkan sedikit lebih banyak ilmu untuk berhubungan dengan uang. Semoga dia pegang dan ingat, agar aku tidak melihat cerminan diriku lagi darinya.

Tapi aku tidak pernah khawatir kalau dengan dia. Aku bisa percaya sepenuhnya dengan adikku yang ini. Karena bahkan sebelum keluar dari rahim Ibu pun dia mengambil keputusan untuk tidak akan lahir tepat sama dengan tanggal aku lahir. Seakan dia berkata, "Sudi benar aku punya hari ulang tahun kembar dengan Mbak Sekar!" Tentu saja sambil menyipitkan mata karena dia juga tak sudi lahir tepat sama jamnya dengan jam aku lahir. Bahkan saat kukira ia akan tumbuh seliar kembarannya, ia bisa mengontrol dirinya dan menjadi lebih keren. Tapi tetap saja jejak-jejak kecil cerminan seperti tahi lalat di tempat-tempat yang sama dan kemalasan mencuci piring tetap tertinggal.

Dan dia punya tujuan. Sebuah kebanggaan.

Jadi, sebesar ini pula aku percaya padanya sampai mengucapkan sepotong kalimat itu kepada orang lain untuk yang pertama kalinya setelah sepuluh tahun kusimpan sendiri.

Semoga selamat sampai tujuan, Ya!

Semoga negeri itu menyambutmu sehangat namamu.

Postingan ini diedit 5 jam, 31 menit yang lalu.

Previous |

Thunder

2026-07-04T21:44:04.543829+00:00

Its hot outside. You see dark clouds forming in the distance. A slight cold breeze sweeps over your body. It slowly grows stronger. You know you only have about ten minutes left.

Small drops fall from the skies. It starts pouring down. You just wait. Wait for the skies to blink.

Then it HITS.

The sky flashes. The anticipation. Every nerve is awake.

You wait. One second. Two.

A loud thunderous roar brakes the silence. You feel the ground shake. Your windows rattle.

The power of Mother Nature.

Now you wait. Wait for the next.

I fucking love thunder!